Perseverance

Don't tell others, but this evening getting home, entering into my apartment door, after the pleasant weekend, having said goodbye to _____, who has been very kind to me, I am suddenly so fed up with everything - I wanted to leave, give up the entire effort.  

That's the feeling. I am imagining what I must do to go through the exit process and what would be the procedures and costs for all stakeholders.

Then I realized I can't find my phone. I am not sure if this is an epiphany or not but perhaps a metaphor. Let's keep it in prayers. Thank you. This disillusionment might just be just a passing feeling - burnout of some sort. 

Yes, I am very grateful for all the love, trust and help that ____ and ____ and ____ have shown me. 
It's just that I am tired of having to depend on people's charity for my stay and no progress with dating and no progress with my job. The very purpose of my coming here is not being fulfilled at all.

 Maybe it is just that today we had a sloppy day at work and one particular guest was such a unlikeable person.

I need to rent a car and drive around. It is not easy to go anywhere. 

But I have some new enlightenment that God has blessed me with through Jordan Peterson's talk (Lessons a Non-believer Can Learn from God -- a clip from JP's talk on Exodus - which I have just shared with you on Whatsapp and will post here. I'll explain below.

You know...I am an analytical mind and I detect patterns and can predict future by knowing well the deep rules behind facts. That ability has given me much wisdom and security yet more despair. I can't let myself hope. All is bare under my scrutinizing eye. Having traveled the world in both luxurious and desperate situations, I have seen it all. I become so clear sighted that I can see nothing new under the sun but dead dry bones. All the talk about order and hope has not registered with me - I am not to be fooled by wishful thinking.

But what JP laid out here in the clip of his dialogue pierced a crack in my well forged armor of logic and consistency. Indeed, God reveals himself through history and prophets and even donkeys. But God has not been exhausted by anyone, let alone me. He is faithful and truthful but NOT mechanical or even predicable. 

God does not run out of plots.

My clear vision had blinded me. 

Miracles do happen. Not often but they never ceased. They should serve as light posts to lighten the dark path we walk.

Exceptions should be reckoned with if not depended upon.

God has performed many miracles in my life, esp. recently. And we both know what they are.

Humbleness means I should always leave room for divine intervention. 

Faith and hope are tested and cultivated when I am promised grace and mercy but not told when and how.