Fantasy is ultimate REALITY

Last evening I walked to the Nymphenburgschloss known as The Nymph Mountain Palace. The scene there was just breathtakingly beautiful.

Now it is a sunny afternoon here in Munich. 

As the days of my visa validity are numbered and I am facing the unthinkable but all looming probability of having to return to my home country in Asia, empty handed,  a question hovers in my mind, which I don’t dare to articulate because it poses a proposition too painful to deal with, if confirmed.

Basically, was I reading too much into favorable circumstances as God’s blessings, thereby, presuming God’s love for me?

For instance, all the apparent gifts from God before and immediately upon my arrival in Munich, the accommodation I found through the church contact, the drama with the aborted original Russian flight and then blessed transfer to the Lufthansa direct flight and the smooth and almost blissful experiences, encounters with interesting people, trips into the Alps, the food, the forest, etc. etc.

Were they truly God’s blessings or merely coincidences and insignificant good lucks which through the benefit of hindsight proved to be only insignificant pettiness that are overly reacted to by someone too eager and hungry for a new start? Just as I have been many times wrong about the interest or feelings of men towards me. I remembered how a smile, a stare, a sweet message in the end never translated into sincere love. For, after all, the biggest and only purpose of making this trip – finding a job and then love,  is not achieved and seems never more a distant dream. Even the relationship with the host family is soured and almost non-existent.

Then, how is one to interpret God’s will? How am I to be sure that my heart beats in sync with God’s heart?

Then the story of the Patriarch Joseph came to my mind.

He was a favored son of his father. 

When he first had the dream of a multi-colored robe. At that point it seemed that it went so well for him. But God, who gave him the dream, didn’t warn him about the jealous of his half-brothers and full foes. He may have had a gift for dream interpretation but obviously not the basic ability of mind reading. Joseph told his brother, only half brothers but full foes, about the dream.

That dream cost him almost his life. It cost him freedom of over 18 years and connection with his family. He was promoted to be the second to only one in the household of Potiphar. And even the mistress was smitten with him, a foreign slave. But he was young, strong, intelligent, noble-charactered and yes, very handsome. 

All these blessings turned out again to be a curse. The mistress wanted him. If only he could read the mind of a woman, and didn’t not enter her chamber with no one else present.  But God didn’t warn him about that danger either. Nor did he give the Master of house any insight to his own lustful wife. 

Then this handsome, intelligent and innocent young man spent his best years in a dungeon where he mixed with corruptive officials of the Egyptian court, where he was forgotten by everyone completely.

His father thought he was dead for years. His brothers except for one thought so, too. Maybe the mistress who put him there is the only one who remembered from time to time. 

What did he do and think of during those nights and days which were as dark as if not darker than nights.

Did he have any dreams?

Did he regret having told others about his dream? 

Did he regret obeying his mistress and going into her chamber?

Did he regret going with his brother into the wilderness that day? 

Did he regret being favored by his father thus causing his curse by his other sons?

If only his father didn’t have two wives.

Did he miss his mother? Did he curse his own good looks and abilities which excited the lust of the woman whose rejection has? Did he feel tired of his own life? Did he ask God if the dream of his childhood was indeed a mock and curse? A robe of many colors? He was now wearing only the uniform of a prisoner! But God has a plan. A plan that will not be frustrated or delayed by human sins or stupidity, contriving or carelessness. 

If I let the light and only momentary troubles (no matter how heavy and prolonged they feel) negate the previous blessings and obliterate the hope of the coming weight of eternal glory, then, I really do have troubles. ( Basically...I have troubles but I'm not in trouble.)

Now,  I can safely say that the trip to Germany was indeed blessed by God no matter whether I will find a job or not. 

I want to be able to work and start a new life here.God worked on me and is bringing forth a new person.The real work is always about ourselves.Only a new person can enjoy a new life.The new wine must be put in a new wineskin.  

A few more thoughts on the job situation:

I am always fully and painfully aware of the FACTs that I am a middle-aged, single woman, without the necessary language ability, technical skills or any business experience, no connections, not even self-confidence needed for employment here in Germany.

So, what am I doing here?

But if I succeed, it would be such a wonderful testimony of faith and faithfulness, gratefulness and grace, trust and triumph. It is up to God to decide what type of story he wants to write through my story. 

Like in all those great stories I read the hero always faces insane odds against him. The only reason he could hope to overcome these oppositions is that he is the chosen one. He is meant to succeed. Although the success is not to be obtained without much cost and many defeats first.

I used to often secretly marvel at my own naïve dogmatism of following the lessons learned through reading fictions or biographies. I laughed at myself. I thought --- "Oh, poor creature, you always wanted to have an all-wise and patient mentor but with your circumstances deprived of the hope of any, you turned to books, to the fictional world for your enlightenment and guidance."

That’s rather romantic but maybe not very effective. Being romantic and idealistic, I liked myself better for such naivety. There is something so noble, pure and strong and youthful about that naivety. 

Until today, I realized that looking for patterns and inspirations in stories is actually the only and most effective means of figuring out your path forward. We are each and every one of us here to embody a story of our own which in collectivity will form the sub-stories of the STORY.

If the plots my story get thick and dark event to the point of despairing, I shall be excited, since like in all those great stories, it promises the resolution will be so much more exciting and satisfying beyond expectation that I shall be marveled and wouldn’t want to alter a single touch of it. 

And just how reliable these patterns are, if they are real? By that I mean, how applicable are they in individual cases?

The answer is – if they are real, they are real and will “not  dissolve”. 

Amen.

God’s will be done.

Yours,

LATER

I came back again to the Palace, tonight.

And tonight God gave me such a present. 

The moon lit the entire palace. 

I wandered under the moonlight. 

The trees, the flowers the fountains, the statues,  the deers that emerged after people left. 

I stayed late. 

I felt I was literally in the fairy tale, in the elvish land in Lord of the Rings.

I wanted to sing, to dance, to shout out loud praises to God.

Photos can't reflect the magic of it. 

I am sure of His Mercy, Might and Miracle. 

God is awesome.  

The Palace under the moon,Although quiet, speaks so clearly about God's majestyAlthough empty, is so pregnant with beauty and magicAlthough perfectly still, seems barely able to contain itself but wants to leap forward with joy and burst into songs!